It’s election season again, and the insanity wafting through the air is especially pungent this year! And though the future holds the promise of terrible politicians being handed the reigns to our future, the upside is that the talent pool this go-around is rife with morons, dipshits, dingbats, racists, homophobes, and utter whackaloons. Maybe even a crazy homeless guy or two. So to numb the pain caused by the prospect of a congress run by John Boehner, I present you with a laundry list of this election’s choicest oddities:
Carl Paladino
Not only does he bear a striking resemblance to both Emperor Palpatine and Pope Benedict, he also manages to embody a similar level of evil as his doppelgangers, though in a more delightfully cartoonish way. Case in point, he has maintained his stance that homosexuality and abortions are both disgusting abominations, and that either practice has no place in our society. Despite his apparent contempt for gays he was once the proud owner of not one, but two gay bars in Buffalo. Meanwhile, he’s been busy starting racist chain letters and sending them to state employees. Oh, and there’s also the mass e-mailing of a video featuring a horse making passionate and somewhat painful love to a young woman, which he dubbed “hilarious” in the e-mail. Carl has threatened reporters for simply asking him questions, and publicly stated that he’s in favor of putting welfare recipients into concentration camps so that they can be taught proper hygiene.
That’s not all of it though. I’ve saved my favorite part for last. He has accused his opponent Andrew Cuomo of being “an adulterer and an immoral degenerate.” Meanwhile he has an illegitimate 10-year-old daughter. Though to Paladino’s credit, he did come clean about his affair and the resultant lovechild with his wife. Being the sensitive man that he is, he confessed everything to her a few short hours after their son died in a car crash. Classy.
When asked by a reporter if he was crazy, Paladino answered: “Like a fox!” Please sir, don’t be so insulting to foxes.
Rich Iott
Rich wasn’t very well known, even in his own state of Ohio earlier in the campaign. He’d been called out for lying about his “military service,” when it was proven that he was only ever involved in a local militia, but other than that it seemed that it’d be a rather quiet election season for him. Then fate smiled upon us all and pictures of him dressed in a Nazi uniform began circulating on the internet. Iott, pictured above enjoying a tall cold one with friends after a long day of playing Nazi, decided to quickly clarify things for an angry public so that he could put the whole matter behind him. He stated that while he condemns what the Nazis did, he does have “huge respect for what they accomplished, militarily speaking, of course…” Perfectly understandable.
Let’s be fair, he’s a history buff, but that’s not why he got involved with Nazi reenactments. He said that it started as “a father son bonding thing…” but quit after his son lost interest. Short of fishing and the boy scouts, what other choice did he have? He was just trying to be a good dad, and we can’t possibly hold that against him.
Krytal Ball
My heart goes out to this poor girl running for Congress in Virginia. With parents hateful enough to give her that name she didn’t have much of a chance. And she certainly lived up to her dirty moniker when she became the first politician in history to elicit this headline: Congressional Candidate Regrets Sucking Reindeer Dildo. Aside from these photos she seems to have a relatively sound political stance. These Democrats just can’t seem to keep from getting crucified for felatio of one kind or another. They really need to put the cameras away at parties.
Jimmy McMillan
It’s refreshing to see a politician who’s crazy in a harmless way. Sure to spice up any political debate with his prize winning facial hair, black velvet gloves, and rambling non sequiturs, the self-proclaimed Karate master and head of the “Rent is too damn high” party is a prize to be cherished, as he will most likely fade into obscurity mere days after the election. Though you have to admire a man willing to take a stand on controversial issues, like the right of any American to marry a shoe if they so wish. God speed, sir.
Jan Brewer
The governor best known for making it a crime to be brown in her home state of Arizona, Jan Brewer is prone to long stretches of silence during debates and interviews, during which she nods and smiles at the camera before stumbling through sentence after sentence of half intelligible dribble. After falsely stating that illegal immigrants have turned Arizona into the kidnapping capitol of the world and leaving decapitated corpses in the dessert, she clarified by saying that she was “thinking of Mexico, not Arizona,” and accidentally misspoke. To her credit, it takes a lot of guts to admit on national television that you don’t know what country you’re in, especially when you’re an elected official.
Tim D'Annunzio
This is a man whose wife said in an interview that he “…claimed to be the messiah… …traveled to New Jersey to raise his step father from the dead… believed that God would drop a 1,000 mile high pyramid on Greenland… [And] …he though that he found the Ark of the Covenant in the Arizona dessert…” Next to all that, his refusal to pay child support and a brief stint in rehab for heroin addiction seem rather tame. The funny part in all this? He’s ahead in the polls. God bless America!
David “Diapers” Vitter
Incumbent Louisiana senator David Vitter has established a proud history of denying reality. A staunch member of both the Tea Party and the “birther” movement, he made the top ten in Esquire’s “Worst Senators and Representatives” list in 2010. Vitter has announced publicly that “Abortion is NOT a women’s issue.”
A family values campaigner who has historically used prostitutes in numerous states who were willing to make him wear diapers and act out infantalist fantasies, he was integral to the DC Madam scandal that erupted back in 2007. He spent taxpayer dollars on numerous hookers and spent most of his time as a congressman calling said hookers from the floor of the House while everyone else was busy voting on the future of this country. A classy guy if ever there was one.
When not busy defending a man’s right to beat his wife senseless, senator Vitter enjoys long walks on the beach, and deep-dicking prostitutes all over this fine country of ours behind his wife’s back.
Christine O’Donnell
Ah, the crème de la crème of crazy. A woman who seems blissfully unaware that people tend to write down what she says and save it for later. Where to start? Well, she thinks that coed dorms lead to “orgy rooms,” that freak dancing leads to date rape, has admitted to “dabbling in witchcraft,” (and subsequently ran ads stating “I am NOT a witch!). She also believes that scientists are working on human/mouse hybrids, and that they must be stopped. Were this true I would agree with her.
Miss O’Donnell has stated that taking prayer out of classrooms has led to weekly school shootings. She has claimed on numerous occasions that God himself has spoken directly to her and that they had an actual dialogue. Don’t we usually put people like that in straight jackets?
She’s opposed to abortion under any circumstances, including rape and incest. She’s led several campaigns against premarital sex, and has even come out against masturbation, because let’s face it, were a ten year old boy to jerk off our country would surely fall into ruin. Thanks for keeping an eye on things Christine.
A stout creationist, she believes that the Earth is six thousand years old, that dinosaurs coexisted with humans, and that evolution is a hoax concocted by liberal Satanists. Evolution can’t occur without sex, so at least she’s consistently against good ideas.
Essentially, Christine O’Donnell is a woman who says that she draws her wisdom from only two books; the Bible and J.R.R. Tolkein’s The Lord of the Rings. She stands against everything from stem cell research to nude sunbathing. She thinks that her political opponents are watching her sleep from the bushes outside her window, and she was unaware that the separation of church and state is in the first amendment. But with a wink and a smile, she might do just as well as Sarah Palin. I’ll ready my travel papers should that occur.
And there you have it, a true rogues gallery of absurd human beings. The finest gems of stupidity that our species has to offer. What can we learn from these diverse and deliciously delusional delegates? Probably nothing. Aside from the fact that we’re all fucked.
Happy voting!
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